I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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