I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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