You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
