i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
