So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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