He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
