you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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