you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
