I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
