please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
