I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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