Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
