I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
