the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
