my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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