Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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