All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
