Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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