if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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