Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
