So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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