I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
