I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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