i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
