Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
