last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
