my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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