Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Randomize
