This house was built for laser tag.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
