i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
