im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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