Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
