I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
