Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
