We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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