How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
