dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I am midnight drunk by noon
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Randomize
