apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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