i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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