Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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