Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
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