It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
