Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
