Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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