Well douche your snatch and let's go!
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
