im about as happy as oj after his trial
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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