I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
