Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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