you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
