Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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